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Prem Ratan Dhan Payo: Review

First things first, If you are a Salman Khan Fan, QUIT. QUIT like now. Words ahead may lead you to plan nasty things for me, which I obviously don’t want. You gotta fear Bhai’s fans. Okay So,
Now, if you are a Sonam Fan, oh wait! You are not. No, Right? What? Seriously? Okay. You also quit. Life is available on discount these days. Get one maybe?

There comes a moment in everybody’s life when he makes a tough choice. And a bad choice. But no, going to watch PRDP is not one of that mistakes. It is something altogether different. A different equation of insanity.

So, here we start.

You read the cautionary reviews on Twitter, and some trusted forums. They advise you not to go to PRDP. But since you have got nothing better to do, as in my case, being on holidays, you still decide to make a run for it.

Then you go on to witness the thing.

Salman makes an entrance with the dialogue “Kisi ke hath chalte hain, kisi ke pair chalte hain, humare dono chalte hain”

I looked at the friend (the movie guy) exactly at the same moment and said oh boy. Yes, we are watching a Salman’s flick after all.

So, it only starts here. Sonam Kapoor plays a hot Rajkumari who does philanthropy for a living. Salman wish to see Sonam. Sonam does not know this Salman. She is about to marry another Salman, which being a doppelgänger of that Salman, is actual Prince of some fort. Prince Salman goes crashing from a Chariot, (oh man, going too loud with apple earplugs can be dangerous, even for a prince!), the initial Salman replaces him at the fort to keep the thing going.

Umm..okay. Let’s not get into the script of this thing. Let’s look at all the major parts of the movie one by one.

Salman: Well, he is Salman. You can not take that away. The crowd gets to watch two Salman’s instead of regular one in this movie.

Sonam: Sonam is cute. She is. But she is still way far from what we call good acting standards. Or okay acting standards. She did do some awful things, though. Wearing Sunglasses to Dining Table, delivering dialogues like “Raam jaisa kahenge seeta vaisa hi karegi” all with that passion that sends an altogether different meaning.
Story: It’s pretty fucked up. It would be rather incorrect to say that movie has not got a good story. Thing is, it has got a creepily fucked up story. *Now 2-minute silence for Neil Nitin Mukesh at this time who is also in there*

Dialogues: Remember the Hindi Sitcoms which we used to make fun of when we were in school? Their dialogues? Yes, you got it right. It has got all the things straight from those sitcoms. The curtains, the costumes, the slow paced dialogue delivery, the monologues and what not.
Anupam Kher: Man, you gotta retire now. In fact, you should be somewhere in the Cayman’s sipping a mojito already. Why now? Every time I came out of the shock of a song that kept popping throughout, he was right there, all set to deliver some dialogue which makes you question your life choices again.
The Sheesh Mahal: Suraj Barjatya, the Director, goes a step ahead of humanity, and creates a Sheesh Mahal, or a glass palace, right on the top edge of a waterfall, that looks like Niagra in the middle of what looks like a sea. Yes, you can read the previous sentence again. Go on.

Climax: In the end, both the Salman’s get together at this glass palace, along with Neil and few other men. What follows is a close combat with swords and all. Oh man, I so much missed the guns! I mean these guys rode Mercedes, used iPhones, wore designers throughout the whole thing. Why not the guns? Okay, so, it ends somehow. One Salman saving Neil from falling into the Niagra’s.

By the time we finished watching it, the guy with me didn’t even want his money back. He just wanted to go. Home. 😦

 

Thoughts on the T20 World Cup

Heartranjan's Blog

In a few hours, a two month tumultuous relationship between Cricket and Bangladesh will come to an end.

Once again, India will play Sri Lanka. It is probably a testimony to how much the two play each other, that I have more knowledge on Sri Lanka’s bowlers than our own. One assumes the two teams play each other so much that they barely consider each other opponents anymore. Probably warring cousins of the same family.

Also, as a picky, disgruntled, judgemental viewer, I have many a bone to pick with the tournament.

Firstly, why another tournament in Bangladesh? The crowds are sparse, and the ones that are there wave Bangladeshi flags in a New Zealand vs. Netherlands match. And their government goes ahead and bans its citizens from waving flags of the opponent team. Which is a regressive step many would argue. But let me subtly remind the reader that…

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Posted by on April 6, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

How to make a bollywood movie.

Theoretical Scene:
Two guys, working in Hollywood (let’s say spot boys) are talking.

“Dude, you gotta see this. YashRaj productions just released Gun-Day. I have been waiting for this for so long man. We have to go see this flick.”

Friend: “Yes man, totally. We’ll buy its blue ray on our way back. I have heard there are very deep philosophical implications, so we won’t be able to get it in the first time.”

Guy: “Totally. Let’s go.”

Reality: (Let’s say they saw the movie. Common, let’s just say, okay?)

Guy: That was not cool man, NOT COOL.

Friend: Man, my babe is into this Bollywood Shit, she said me to go watch it man. I thought of you man. I’m sorry man.

Guy: What the fuck dude. Who is this chick you are seeing? I mean it’s not like I’m stupid or something, but I didn’t get the part when one hairy guy drew pistol on his other hairy friend man. Not just that, I didn’t get any of it man. I’m getting drunk tonight.

The guys decide, later on to find out how these films are made and visit Mumbai.

This is what they find.

Part I

Director:
Fuck this shit. My accounts are nearly empty. I need to make a movie. *Picks phone and calls a big banner* “Arey, Ramesh Bhai! Kaise ho? Free ho? Bhabhiji? Gudiya? Sab thk? Yaar suno pitture banani thi ek. Ho paega intezaam?”
Producer:
*Scratches his crotch* *Spits paan* “Are, Shetty bhai! Hum aphiko yaad kar rahe the! Are bilkul malik kabhi mana kie hain hum? Kitta lagega?”

Director:
“Dhanyawad dada. Hum aate hai sham ko milne”
*Hangs up, puts an advertisement in local daily-*
“Story needed. Genre- Action-Comedy-Crime-Drama-Romance-War-Horror (All should be there). Payment after making”
*Opens mail, find 1000 stories received in 10 minutes* *Grins*
They meet, and money gets transferred.

Part II-
Director:
*Turns in the roll chair in Air Conditioned office on 22nd floor of a commercial building*
“Hi, Katrina ji, aayiye aayiye. Picture karengi humare liye?”

Actress– *Blushes* “Kitne dialogue milenge ji?”
Director– “4 Dialogue, 5 Item Numbers. Thik hain ya gane aur badhayen?”
Actress– “Ji thik hain, itne me Life Ok award to jeet hi lungi mai 😛 . Fees- 5 Crore sir. 2 numbers me dresses meri marzi ki, rest you can decide” *winks*
Actress goes, Actor comes.

Director
“Bhaaaaiiii! Kaise ho Bhaaaaiiii!” *Gets up and give a tri-hug.* “Movie karoge ek?”
Actor– “Story hai sir?”
Director: “Happy Ending hai bhaaaiii”
Actor: “Chalo thik hai. Muscle kitni lagegi? 4 ya 6 pack?”
Director: “Bhaijaan script tough hai thodi, 8 packs lag jaengi.”
Actor: “That can be done. How many scorpios and jeeps are we talking? And how many girls I get to flirt with?”
Director: “In total, 56 scorpios will be blown, and sir 2 heroine hongi apki, personal.”
Actor: “Jai mata di let’s rock!”

Part III-

Director: “Sir, Sangeet chahiye Sir.”
Music Director:
*Try to look thoughtful, plays with his shoulder long hairs* *Clears throat*

“Ji sir, Sangeet to hai. Sangeet hum dedenge, lyrics ap apne

Cameramen (Mere photo ko seene se yaar, chipkale saiyyan),
Makeup Artists (Saree ke fall sa, attach kiya re)
Orchestra (Dekha jo tujhe yar, dil me baji guitar)
Spotboys (Tune Mari entriyaan)…..*keeps blabbering*, vagereh se likhwa lena”

Director: “Dhanyawad, sir, Dhanyawad. Jai ma Saraswati.” 😀

 
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Posted by on February 18, 2014 in Fun!!As i call it!

 

Ghoom 3

You know you are watching a Bollywood flick, when the Heroine, in the name of dance, start madly rotating on the screen, taking off one piece of cloth at a time, and suddenly one guy shouts,

“Are koi to rok lo..”

“Sala Mayya Kasam, kya trailor aaya hai be Dhoom 3 ka, dekha ki nai” someone rushed in my room a few weeks back.

Same weeks later, we were having this conversation, “Benchho, 270 rupe ka ticket hai be PVR pe, ho paega kya? Bol raha hai selling fast.”

“Nai be, ruk jao somvar tak, Katrina ne to vahi rehna hai”

“Haan be, Somvar subh 11 baje ka le aa ticket”

Sceptic as hell, after contemplating the idea of watching the much awaited Bollywood flick for three whole days, finally we went to see the worst nightmare. This post is what has been going on for a few last months in Bollywood, or say years.

Some facts-

1. For every single critic thrashing the movie, the movie earns a little over ten crores. So, be it the Tare Zameen Par and Christian Bale dilemma of Amir Khan, the Kamli (What the fuck does that even mean?) Katrina Kaif, the fucked up screenplay of Chennai Express, or the mind fucking action sequences of Krrish3. This is a fact.

2. Gone are the days when women in Bollywood meant portrayal of power and development. Or acting. We are long past that. Screenplay writers to Directors, all now just seem to believe in only objectifying them on screen. Be it the Kidnapping (the sole thing she was assigned to do) of Priyanka Chopra in K3, or the goddamn four dialogues of Kat in D3. (Yes, pretty much four).

3. If you can’t be original, steal. All the actors, spot boys, cameraman, (spare the writers) of x-men franchise must have thought the idea of living on planet earth all over again when they would have come across K3. Same goes for Christo Nolan and Louis Leterrier for D3. This is just fucking sad. Isn’t it? We are an independent nation and we don’t give a single flying fuck to what they say about us, I know. But reality check, whenever you come across someone who makes you realize how much dignity we are losing in this wild rush of Bollywood producers to shatter each other’s records, talking internationally, you definitely feel sad. Stumbling around the web,

I found this- (Piratebay) (Check out the comment by that dude Jack)

 

Bb_GtGcCcAE0a9t

When everybody was expecting some cool stuff in K3, they got the Indian masala version of x-men, and when we were expecting some portrayal of robberies, carried out in an elegant way, we come home seeing Aamir only running madly and Chicago PD chasing him like amateurs.

Last I remember, bank robberies in States was a federal crime, and feds somehow try to shoot down the culprits, instead waiting for them to elope. Well, that was it. The essence is, they expect us to put our minds locked up at home while watching their movies, yet they act all grumpy when someone make a fool out of them. On a lighter note- check out this AIB video if you haven’t seen it yet.

And brace yourself, another Salman movie is lined up where he is playing Arvind Kejriwal revised all over. Jaii Ho!

 

 

 
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Posted by on December 23, 2013 in Uncategorized

 
 
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