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How to make a bollywood movie.

18 Feb

Theoretical Scene:
Two guys, working in Hollywood (let’s say spot boys) are talking.

“Dude, you gotta see this. YashRaj productions just released Gun-Day. I have been waiting for this for so long man. We have to go see this flick.”

Friend: “Yes man, totally. We’ll buy its blue ray on our way back. I have heard there are very deep philosophical implications, so we won’t be able to get it in the first time.”

Guy: “Totally. Let’s go.”

Reality: (Let’s say they saw the movie. Common, let’s just say, okay?)

Guy: That was not cool man, NOT COOL.

Friend: Man, my babe is into this Bollywood Shit, she said me to go watch it man. I thought of you man. I’m sorry man.

Guy: What the fuck dude. Who is this chick you are seeing? I mean it’s not like I’m stupid or something, but I didn’t get the part when one hairy guy drew pistol on his other hairy friend man. Not just that, I didn’t get any of it man. I’m getting drunk tonight.

The guys decide, later on to find out how these films are made and visit Mumbai.

This is what they find.

Part I

Director:
Fuck this shit. My accounts are nearly empty. I need to make a movie. *Picks phone and calls a big banner* “Arey, Ramesh Bhai! Kaise ho? Free ho? Bhabhiji? Gudiya? Sab thk? Yaar suno pitture banani thi ek. Ho paega intezaam?”
Producer:
*Scratches his crotch* *Spits paan* “Are, Shetty bhai! Hum aphiko yaad kar rahe the! Are bilkul malik kabhi mana kie hain hum? Kitta lagega?”

Director:
“Dhanyawad dada. Hum aate hai sham ko milne”
*Hangs up, puts an advertisement in local daily-*
“Story needed. Genre- Action-Comedy-Crime-Drama-Romance-War-Horror (All should be there). Payment after making”
*Opens mail, find 1000 stories received in 10 minutes* *Grins*
They meet, and money gets transferred.

Part II-
Director:
*Turns in the roll chair in Air Conditioned office on 22nd floor of a commercial building*
“Hi, Katrina ji, aayiye aayiye. Picture karengi humare liye?”

Actress– *Blushes* “Kitne dialogue milenge ji?”
Director– “4 Dialogue, 5 Item Numbers. Thik hain ya gane aur badhayen?”
Actress– “Ji thik hain, itne me Life Ok award to jeet hi lungi mai 😛 . Fees- 5 Crore sir. 2 numbers me dresses meri marzi ki, rest you can decide” *winks*
Actress goes, Actor comes.

Director
“Bhaaaaiiii! Kaise ho Bhaaaaiiii!” *Gets up and give a tri-hug.* “Movie karoge ek?”
Actor– “Story hai sir?”
Director: “Happy Ending hai bhaaaiii”
Actor: “Chalo thik hai. Muscle kitni lagegi? 4 ya 6 pack?”
Director: “Bhaijaan script tough hai thodi, 8 packs lag jaengi.”
Actor: “That can be done. How many scorpios and jeeps are we talking? And how many girls I get to flirt with?”
Director: “In total, 56 scorpios will be blown, and sir 2 heroine hongi apki, personal.”
Actor: “Jai mata di let’s rock!”

Part III-

Director: “Sir, Sangeet chahiye Sir.”
Music Director:
*Try to look thoughtful, plays with his shoulder long hairs* *Clears throat*

“Ji sir, Sangeet to hai. Sangeet hum dedenge, lyrics ap apne

Cameramen (Mere photo ko seene se yaar, chipkale saiyyan),
Makeup Artists (Saree ke fall sa, attach kiya re)
Orchestra (Dekha jo tujhe yar, dil me baji guitar)
Spotboys (Tune Mari entriyaan)…..*keeps blabbering*, vagereh se likhwa lena”

Director: “Dhanyawad, sir, Dhanyawad. Jai ma Saraswati.” 😀

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Posted by on February 18, 2014 in Fun!!As i call it!

 

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