5:00 AM 😉
Being 21, makes you look life in a different way. Long gone are the days, when happiness meant getting wild at a birthday party. I still remember, when I wrote the first part of this article, almost a year back, I was a lone wanderer. A real loner. But then, as you realise, keeping hold of your life is not possible, you let it go. Let it take the course that it wishes to take. There is my one facebook buddy. He usually keeps writing stories like status’, notes, and poems, centred at his lost love. His posts usually say how much he misses his love of life. Then, whenever I came across one of his posts, I would sit, and think, how do people figure out this easily what do they miss most in their lives. Isn’t that very difficult?
On one hand, you get happy like you are living the best life in the world, with cute friends, luxuries, for which you even don’t have to work. On the other, even an hour alone at midnight, with nobody around you, shakes you from the deepest within? What is that thing that you love the most and what is the thing that you regret and fear the most? Figuring this out, many people spend their lives and very few, lucky ones, do before situations get irreversible. Taking decisions in behalf of these realisations is then the second most difficult step. Because if you had figured it out wrong, and you go with it, then in short, you end up screwing the rest of your happiness. Done correctly, that thing can assure you happiness and peace for the rest of your life.
Time, come to rescue. You leave the things, just like the way you do every time. This can, at first, seem like a very appropriate thing to do, let the supreme decide what he wants for you. But everybody knows, this never is a good choice. Being escapist is a thing, escaping things to let them go out of your control, is whole another. So, you have to take decisions, to take decisions, you have to figure out the answers. This brings us to where we started. A vicious circle is formed. Breaking of this circle is achieved in usually two ways by most of the people. First, get drunk, sort the things out. Buy getting drunk, I mean giving up. Take the chances. Either it is everything, or nothing. Second, take enough time, weigh up everything, and then proceed, with caution, and backup plans. Either it’s everything or you will get a setback. Now, most of you must be thinking, what the problems are for which one usually get stuck up like this. And in the next two three lines, you may realise that you are stuck up to. So if not in right mood now, quit reading from here. Else, brave heart, here are the things.
Starting from a guy, basic problems forming this loop are these. Too many to list. Examples, one, it maybe a girl, as in case of fb buddy. If you are a normal, 90’s guy, you usually have that one girl, which you don’t want to give up. And then, things occur which force you to. Maybe a high school crush, maybe a hometown girl next door, maybe a college girlfriend. But, then, you are forced to make choices. Leave her, or stay with her. As simple as that. Stay with her, or if she is not with you, as in case of my facebook buddy, stay with her in thoughts, and see everything get out of your hands, in front of your eyes. Leave her, and regret later. See, the vicious problem circle? Second comes, the career. Passions, interests and their risks a side while having money, stability and practicality on the other. Most people end up, in this case, choosing the other, choosing just opposite to what they love and going for the things they fear most. Result, you maybe end up getting insomniac in a very good paying job. Satisfaction, all gone. Nightmares haunt, what it would have been if you took the other path at that time? What if you would have been a successful painter, photographer, writer, dancer, singer, director, social activist, and maybe politician?
Then, in life of a girl. Society believes girls are weak. I believe, girls are usually a little bit more scared. Not their fault, society being full of guys looking for girls, to release their frustration, emotional, physical, they do need to worry. So, they generally opt for the options which will keep them safe. Safe, from being heartbroken, left dependent, left neglected. They opt for careers, which make them independent, pay them well, and secure their future. They opt for relationships, which let them stay independent, have security in them. For this, even if they have to let go of their dreams, things they love most, they do. Crying is always an option. At nights. No offense intended.
So, now, ask yourself a simple question. What is that you wish most in this life? What was your wish that you left unfulfilled just because life forced you to leave it that way? Was it worth leaving? Can you get it back? If yes, at cost of what? And you will feel helpless, at least for a moment. This is not the end of it, because giving it an end here would be unjust, because I am, myself, still in this vicious circle. If I came over it someday, there will be a part three.
Category Archives: Memories
5:00 AM 😉
Hard you try, hard it becomes. Hard to remember, hard to forget. Inevitably, at one or other point, someone come, who make you miss him/her for the rest of your life. Generally what people do is to capture those images so deep, that they become blurred with the strokes of time. But blurring is only illusional, as there is nothing as ‘erasable’ in this little globe of human feelings.
Now it is a long time since I came in Indore. I also missed my home, my little group of people that were meaning of life to me. Time flew, I am no abnormal or extraordinary guy, no abnormal or extraordinary human, I also eventually started moving on. It was a year before It took me to get that why I am here. I missed that little world, of course. Everybody does.
I would cry. Sometimes. But guys are not supposed to cry. They are not supposed to be weak. But to be truthful, I was in love then. Or whatever they call it. Yes, it’s better, not love, but whatever they call it. Reason being, that I haven’t figured it out yet. Neither do I want to. So I would not cry because I missed them. I cried because I imagined them crying. Time flew. Again.
New world, new people, new things, new chores, new days, new festivals, new birthdays, new evenings, new outings, new songs, new movies, new clothes, new roads, new squares, new trees, new birds, new things, new people, new world,…new me.
I missed them, they missed me too. I miss them still, and they miss me too. But out of all, I always wonder why I can’t sleep. Why I can’t eat. Why I can’t sing, I can’t listen.
Its always dark that’s appealing. It lets you to identify yourself. Within yourself. Brightness always blind. Dark came, I went with it. Decide that you will find and you always find. It is me. Sad but fact. It is me that I miss the most. It is myself that I lost with this time. I miss being me, true me, the silent observer. This being my case.
I ask you. Whom do u miss the most? Your family? Your love? Your life that was so simple once? Or yourself?
A long time since last time I penned something. Things were keeping max out of me busy. First of all a hearty thanks to the subscribers, visitors, and critics of the page. Your comments and likes are the most valuable rewards.
From two days before, when I decided to finally again write something, I was pretty sure that the upcoming one would not be in the dark. But then today only I realised, dark is easy to depict, to narrate, as it is not very difficult to find. 😀
So, apologies to everyone who adviced not to write like a dukhi aatma. 😀
It was the third day of my isolation from the world in the little cozy room of my hostel. I was trying to come over from the traumas which I have been getting in a regular interval of time for last few months. Like a very optimistic creature, I have been sitting in my room searching for all the happiness and hope left in my life. It was midnight and when the dim light, hustle of fan and noise from the ground floors became unbearable, I stood up, wore my jeans and left room with my cell phone switched off. It was dark outside. Night never comes in a boy’s hostel. But outside the cruel world sleep and wake up at fixed times. It was dark outside and I started walking towards the road which passed along our premises. The road generally remains empty during day also because it doesn’t lead to any important destination. But I have always taken that way in my life. I proceeded without looking back. I lost track for how much time I have been walking. I walked, walked and walked. At some places I heard my name being called by my friends and the people who care for me. But I didn’t stop. I put my head down so that I have not to look into eyes of anyone. Although I was alone. There was no one ever.
The only reason I have been walking was because I liked that particular path. I was committed to my self to take that only path. I walked for hours, for days, for weeks, months and then years. I stopped to take rest sometimes but never took a break. I never once got frightened. My hands, legs, body and heart got bruised with the thorns, ditches and insults of the path. But I never succumbed. There was a wish which I cherished, which I believed would come true when the road ended. And I continued walking.
After walking for years in the scorching sun and chilling colds, I ultimately reached there. It was stunning. It appeared to be a hilltop. I was filled with nostalgia, happiness, pain and joy all in once. When I approached closer, something happened which I never expected. It suddenly became very dark….dark as if it was midnight. I always feared nights. I never wanted to be awake in nights. I closed my eyes tightly. After some time I slowly opened my eyes. I hoped that it was dawn already. Yes it was. But not in the way I thought. The door in front of me was closed. On the other two sides there were walls. I looked behind in the hope that the way which brought me here was still there. But it was gone. There was only a very deep unending depth which meant end. There was no way back. I sat there on my knees looking at the door with tears in my eyes. Hoping that somebody would see it someday, I wrote on the door with the blood dripping- “Why she just can’t let me in??”
Disclaimer- A crap product of depressed state. Read with care. 😦